TW: suicide talk
I have needed to refill my depression med since sunday. The first few days I was fine! Even in a BETTER mood than normal!
Today, I was so fucking anxious. And just now, I was sitting at my desk thinking about how I didn’t want to be alone and how I want to have sex and since that probably isn’t happening tonight I want to kill myself. (it was more intentional than an instrusive thought, but not like…. full blown ideation? does that make sense. My brain was just like FUCK U I WANNA DIE)
MEDICATION SAVES MY LIFE. I actually know I don’t want to kill myself. I know that I just want affection and human touch and most of all SEROTONIN. But if I keep off my medication, I won’t remember that in a week.
Which is to say…. if you are someone who talks about how much you don’t want to be on medication, and you don’t want your personality to change, etc, that’s really fucked up. ESPECIALLY IF YOU SAY THAT TO SOMEONE WHO IS ON MEDICATION FOR THEIR BRAIN.
First of all, when I’m not on medication, what personality? The one where I sleep all day to distract from wanting to kill myself? The personality of either being around people or intoxicated because being alone sober is literally so scary? The personality you can smell because showering is too hard?
Being on medication to want to not kill myself is not how envisioned my twenties. I truly believe that I will need to be medicated for my whole life. There is nothing fun about that reality for me. It means frequent psychiatric physicians visits. It means that having a job with insurance is always going to be a priority. It means that fun things like drinking alcohol will always need to be monitored closely.
It is also terrifying. I have been on 7 psych meds since I was 22. I am 27. Eventually, this med is going to crap out on me. It means trying to find a med that works long term AGAIN. It means having to be okay with some side effects, like weight gain or forgetting words. Side effects that I am not sure I will ever be okay with. But will have to make peace with because I want to stay alive.
BUT I AM HERE. And I am fighting! And I am also mentally ill. And if you talk shit about psych meds because you haven’t bothered to do the research or ask a professional, thank u next.