Essays

Yes, I am both internally and externally screaming

TW: ED stuff!
Okay so. I actually hate NEDA awareness because it puts my ED to the front of my mind and like everyone is sharing these before and after shots and it’s all FEEEEELINGS. And I made this whole brave post on my insta talking about my ED history on wednesday, then on Thursday, I had a Bad Day.

My therapist said she thought I was ready to go from twice a week to once a week. She told me at the end of our session, so I didn’t have time to process with her.

my literal reaction after leaving her office

So I maybe sent her a very long, stream of consciousness email that was basically :

Dear Megan

I know you probably hate me now since you dropped me down to ONCE A WEEK – WHAT AM I NORMAL NOW? I DONT FEEL NORMAL -and you are probably going to drop me all together, because you hate me because I am so annoying, and what if I don’t want to get better, how do you know I am ready to get better, jokes on you and me – I am literally screaming from anxiety.

And then I saw pictures of my body from an event and I am undeniable larger. It’s not a bad thing, but it is also not a thing I wanted to see. Feeling no control over my therapy session, plus the fact that I just always go FULL ON ED MODE when faced with feeling out of control, I have been engaging in some behaviors. Yep. Present tense. I’m not quite ready to talk about those just yet. HEALING SUCKS ALL THE TIME.

However, on Friday, I mostly turned it around. I could feel myself going into BINGE MODE and I reminded my body, through mindful eating, that food is a resource that is not in short supply. I’m not going to get over my ED by restricting, so I had to tell myself food was here and okay if I ate. So I had a big breakfast and snacks and candy.

But then my therapist made me talk about my feelings regarding being dropped down to once a week and was like “you have to tell me your thoughts.” and I was like “okay cool.” and she was like “no, I mean like now.” and I was like “OH WAIT NOT COOL.”

me avoiding talking about hard feelings

And then I had to be honest about how I felt like I didn’t feel any control over the situation and it caused me a lot of anxiety and that I didn’t feel like I could process and that I didn’t feel like I had a say.


But she also reminded me that I created an outcome in my head that wasn’t happening (her dropping me completely, her referring me to someone else, her not liking me, her abandoning me) and how I do that with people a lot. As in, create a conclusion before the actual conclusion happens. And I was like OH GOD.

REALIZING THINGS IN THERAPY LIKE

And it made me realize how often I immediately think people are going to drop me or think of me as a burden AND HOW OFTEN I GO SABOTAGING MYSELF TO PREEMPTIVELY AVOID THEM ABANDONING ME. Like even after my session yesterday, I had a thought that was like “I should just see another person since I’m ruining this relationship.” LIKE WHAT. BRAIN STOP GO HOME. YOURE DRUNK. I am NOT ruining any relationship because I express a hard emotion! And actually, not talking about hard emotions ruins relationships. I have to be able to talk about conflict.

But my therapist also said I have to move on and allow my childhood to be a cemented thing, because I LITERALLY CANNOT CHANGE THE FUCKING PAST. And I can’t keep living my childhood out as an adult, hoping elements change or that emotions from childhood shift. Like, the past is the past, some lion king shit, lets look up at the stars and hakuna matata. And then I realized (again) how adverse I am to feeling anger so I just shove it down in the trauma vault. But I have to feel angry. I have to let go of that anger to heal. AND NONE OF THIS IS FUN OR EASY.

So basically, healing is hard. Therapy is hard. Recovery is hard. Life is hard.

But also HEALING.

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