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I have spent too many years

I have spent too many years being angry at my body for digesting a large meal, only to feel hungry x many hours later.

I have spent too many years thinking that 1200 calories is enough to fuel me.

I have spent too many years hating the gravitational pull of my body on the earth.

I have spent too many years thinking that smaller is more beautiful.

I have spent too many years counting the calories of the creamer I put into my morning coffee.

I have spent too many evenings at home because I had already eaten the max amount of calories for that day.

I have spent too many holidays limiting my enjoyment of food for fear of my weight the next day.

I have spent too many hours scrolling through food apps, ordering meals, modifying meals, deleting meals, because I couldn’t make myself eat what I was hungry for.

I have spent too many evenings alone in my apartment eating until I feel ill because I had to punish myself in a way I still don’t understand.

I have spent too many nights alone because I was afraid of what they would say if they saw my naked body.

I have spent too many nights with the wrong person because I convinced myself that no one else could stand to touch my naked body.

I have spent too many moments weighing and reweighing my food or my body.

I have spent too many hours hunched over a toilet in cold sweats and cramping muscles because of laxative abuse.

I have too many photographs of myself with memories attached of how much pain I was in because I wouldn’t bare the thought of enjoying an event with food without abusing laxatives to counter the effects.

I have spent too many outings finding the thinnest woman and using her body as a weapon against mine.

I have spent too long thinking that bloating and weight were punishments instead of the natural way my body digests food.

I have spent way too long hating this body I am in.

I am going to spend more time caressing my body, especially the parts I find hard to love.

I am going to spend more time eating food that brings me joy.

I am going to spend more time enjoying company and food together.

I am going to spend more time learning that there is no perfect way to eat and that both hunger and over fullness will present themselves at times and neither makes my body a failure or a success.

I am going to spend more time doing movement that brings me joy and strength, not because it makes me smaller.

I am going to spend more time letting those I care for caress me, without flinching away or assuming they also hate my body.

I am going to spend more time finding new foods I like, without the fear of making the wrong choice.

I am going to eat more meals.

I am going to listen to my body’s hunger, despite how much I have eaten in recent hours.

I am going to dress in sizes that fit.

I am going to see the beauty in bodies that are larger.

I am going to spend more time finding the bodies that look different than mine so I can see more ranges of beauty.

I am going to spend more time challenging why I think Small=Beauty.

I am going to spend more time accepting my body as it is right now in this moment.

I am going to accept and cherish that my body changes and that there is nothing wrong with growth.

I am going to repeat that gaining weight is not a moral failure, despite how desperately my brain wants me to believe it is.

I am going to spend more time strengthening the boundaries around my body and shutting down comments about my size or appearance as they change.

I am going to stop complimenting people on their weight loss.

I am going to stop seeking out media that is triggering.

I am going to love myself harder and braver than I have in the past. You can’t grow without nourishment.

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