hard mornings

Marsilla the cat senses when I’ve woken up enough to be aware of her.
She plops down with some finesse in a nook
Created between my tired body and the blankets
And purrs loudly as she snuggles closer to me.
And for a moment I forget that on Monday, I sat in my car sobbing
Texting my therapist
Almost driving myself to the ER to be admitted.
Or that I almost just went straight from work to the hospital on Friday.
A weekend away sounds nice.
It’s hard to want to be alive and to be dead in the same breath and thought.
The rationalizing.
I have a presentation on Tuesday,
Can’t miss that.
I have a third date on Friday,
It’s too weird to cancel for “suicide watch” I suppose.
Marsilla knows the pain, just none of the words. Her purrs seem to scream
Look at how much I love you still.
And it’s nice to have that confident confirmation before I rise to face my day.